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One Pill to Rule Them All

December 15, 2009

Are you a struggling fantasy writer?  Is your imagination bursting at the seams with epic quests populated by elves, dwarves and halflings?  Are there snow-capped peaks that desperately need traversing, or underground evil dominions that are just waiting to be accidentally awakened by naive characters?  Is everything falling into place, except that crucial element?

What about the names?

How do you come up with names that are original?  Are the consonant-heavy names that you concoct unpronounceable?

If you answered yes to any of the above, I have a solution for you.  Just follow these five simple steps:

  1. Stand up.
  2. Go to your medicine cabinet.
  3. Select several bottles or boxes at random.
  4. Return to your aspiring-fantasy-novelist den.
  5. Select your names.

Still a little stumped?  Allow me to demonstrate:

The youth scratched at his pointed ears.  “I don’t understand!”  With a great sigh, he collapsed into the chair by the dining room table.  His mother’s gold-thread embroidery cushion did nothing to muffle the creak of old wood.  The youth reached for a conveniently placed pear.  Taking a large bite out of it, he continued with his mouth full.  “You show up on my door–” CHEW “–step, uninvited.  And then you go on about–” CHOMP “–the end of the world or some poppycock like that.  I was having a frightfully pleasant day until you came along, Nexium.  Now it’s just frightful.”

The aged man turned rapidly, his eyes burning intensely.  He had travelled far to warn his dear friend of the impending danger.  By his count, which was surprisingly accurate for he had always had a great aptitude for the mathematics, they had less than one hour and eighteen minutes before the small village would be overrun by the vicious Keppra.  He frowned.  “This is no time for jest, young Atacand!  If you do not act now, you will never be able act on anything again!  You must hurry!”  Nexium furrowed his brow to convey his agitation.

The youth rolled his eyes and took another lazy munch of the fruit he’d picked earlier in the day.  Atacand had always lived a life of peace in the tranquil farming village of Caduet.  He’d been more concerned about the capsicum plague spreading to his prized vegetables than about the warring elven tribes in the north.  He’d been more interested in what mulch produced the largest savlons, than which of King Oxilan’s two twin sons would take his throne.  And he cared far more about wooing the exquisite Lyrica than he cared about the ever-growing Empire of the Dusk.

“Your age had made you overtly worrisome,” answered Atacand, this time taking the time to finish chewing his food before speaking.  “Caduet has always evaded the eyes of the dark races.  It will always remain as such.  None care for our small valley.  It is not particularly bountiful nor beautiful, but it suits our simple tastes.”

It was Nexium’s turn to groan at the youth’s continued dismissal of impending tragedy.  “But it is not for your quaint little town that evil descends here!  It is for something far more sinister, and if you do not act quickly, young Atacand, there will not be a finger on which to place that engagement ring.”  The boy’s eyes widened and looked to the little box on the table.  He had taken special care to ensure the bow was symmetrical.

 Nexium did not stop for a breath, much less a glance to the giftbox.  “Yes, the Keppra will come, each mounted on a ferocious Gemzar, and they will leave behind them a burning village.  And they will take with them the stunning Lyrica.  Surely you cannot be so disinterested in world affairs as to be oblivious to the most terrible news of the month.”  The old man paused, savouring the tense silence before an inevitable gasp of horror from the pointy-eared Atacand’s mouth.

“The Dark Lord Zovirax lacks only three of his greatest desires: absolute power, world domination… and a wife.”

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One Comment leave one →
  1. December 15, 2009 10:35 PM

    You are an inspiration to us all. I think the Dark Lord Zovirax and I would click, as he features prominently in my medicine cabinet.

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